Just Harry

sean_harrison @ 2006-06-10T02:19:00

2006-06-10T07:12:01Z

Draco's been pestering me for several days to update. I don't know what he expects me to say. I guess he just wants to hear that I'm happy. You'd think all the shagging would have given it away. But he likes to hear it I guess.

Me, I'm not so good with words.

Overall I am happy. Draco is going to be here while Cass grows up. He's still passionate about his music. He wants me to help with his new studio. These things make me happy.

And yet.

Sometimes it worries me that he is so incredibly clingy. Sometimes it just makes me angry. And always it makes me feel so incredibly guilty, because I know it's all my fault.

It's just that he wants to be with me all the time. Not just in the same house, or in the same room, but constantly close. Holding each other. All the time. Just. Clingy.

I don't know how to get him to believe in me. Really, truly, with his whole heart. I don't know if he ever will.

I went out this morning, just for a breather. I told him I was going to the grocery store to pick up a few things we need. And I did. But first I went to Waffle House, sat in the booth furthest from the door, ordered a godawful breakfast and some really excellent sweet tea, and sat back to watch.

You get a lot of different sorts of people in a Waffle House. It's a good place to watch the world go by.

There were four teenage boys in the booth next to mine. Laughing at their own jokes, talking about girls, bragging about fights they'd had with their rivals at school. Two women in the corner booth wearing hospital scrubs of some kind, tired and careworn, talking very little. An elderly couple at the counter cutting into their food with careful precision. Counting out their money just as carefully when they finished, mindful of every penny. A couple with two young girls, the youngest--aged about five--declaring her independence by insisting that she be allowed to eat at the counter rather than in her parents' booth. A middle-aged couple in very nice clothes, looking rather out of place as they propped their elbows on chipped formica and pored over cheap plastic menus. The most cheerful waitress I've ever seen, singing something vaguely suggestive about cocoa butter or some such thing.

Nobody paid me the slightest notice. Except when the waitress came by now and again to refill my tea of course. In that busy diner, I was completely and utterly alone. It was nice.

I think sometimes that life is better with a bit of a difference.

I wouldn't have known how special it is to hold someone I love if I had not spent so much of my childhood feeling alone and unloved. And I start to lose sight of how special it is to be able to spend my days with the people I love most in the world unless I take the time to be alone in a crowd now and again.

If things stayed the same always, how would we know whether what we have is good or bad or indifferent?

Anyhow. I don't know what I'm on about. And here comes Miss Hecate to let me know it's time to shut up and take care of the princess. So I guess I'm done.

sean_harrison @ 2006-06-01T22:34:00

2006-06-02T02:44:23Z

He just doesn't get it. He keeps wanting to talk about things, and talk, and talk, and it just makes it all hurt worse. And I don't want to fucking talk about it anymore.

He's going to fucking leave me. And okay, that's fine. It's his choice. Except he keeps telling me he doesn't want to go. So if he doesn't want to go, why doesn't he stay? I don't have a fucking clue. But he wants to whine on and on about how he doesn't have a fucking choice. When it seems pretty clear to me that he's MADE his choice. Which is to leave me and Cass. Even though he promised the band would take it slow. And that he'd be here while Cass was small, and put off the touring for a little while.

And I could deal with the fact that he's made his choice to tour with the band, if he'd just stop telling me how he doesn't have a choice.

And I could deal with the fact that I'm going to be alone, if he'd just stop rubbing it in my face that I'm going to be alone.

And I could deal with the fact that it's going to hurt, if he'd just stop telling me how much it hurts.

But he doesn't want to let me deal with any of that.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-21T20:31:00

2006-05-22T00:32:26Z

Draco will NOT stop talking about his arse.

Please help.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-21T19:56:00

2006-05-22T00:00:20Z

I need to rig up an awning out on the deck so I can sit out there with Cass, and not have the sun be too bright for her. It's nice and balmy in the evenings. Not too hot, not too cool. And it's gorgeous in the back garden. All the flowers are blooming. Draco's garden is thriving. It's just beautiful.

I have reached new levels of exhaustion, but it's a happy sort of tired. Yesterday was a gorgeous day. Perfect for our party, ceremony, and assorted mingling activities. Everything went off without a hitch. The ceremony was absolutely perfect. We did that first, around noon, while the day was still fairly fresh. Afterward everyone mingled and talked and laughed, inside the house and out. Cooing over the baby. Cass seemed mostly perplexed by the attention, though she slept through quite a lot of it. Hellkitten begged her fair share of treats from the guests. More than her fair share, Draco says, as he reads over my shoulder. I don't know, I thought it was pretty fair. She's a clever kitten.

Most everyone had gone by three except the close family--Ron and Luna, Hermione and Max, Chris and James, Severus and Kate, Rob and Lisa. We lingered over coffee and dessert, just catching up on everyone's lives, and enjoying the company. It was absolutely the most perfect day I think Draco and I could have possibly hoped for.

I was rather surprised to find that Draco had asked Severus to take the baby for the night. We had a bit of a second honeymoon, just the two of us. Which would be the main reason for the exhaustion. I don't think I slept more than two hours last night. And we spent most of the day in bed. It was glorious.

Of course there's always a price to be paid. I was tricked (TRICKED I tell you) into escorting Draco to the farmer's market before we went to get Cass. Two things, he said he needed. Salmon, and coconut milk. Two things. Which somehow multiplied into TWO HOURS of shopping. In the mad, mad rush. In which he utterly thrives, and I am left trailing in his wake and doing my best not to be trampled.

But it's all worth it in the end. I get to enjoy the results of the expedition. Tom kha gai soup, Draco says it's called. It's this coconut ginger soup, with salmon, over rice. Or something. Anyway it's really good. Plus we've got TONS of leftovers from yesterday. Which we've mostly been noshing on all day.

All in all it's been a fantastic weekend.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-19T22:26:00

2006-05-20T02:27:37Z

We had dinner tonight with Hermione, her colleague Max, and Ron & Luna.

God, it was good to see Hermione and Ron and Luna again. And it was nice meeting Max too. Draco was a bit of a pest though. Kept trying to get Hermione or Max to admit that they are a couple.

Max is a girl, by the way.

I mean. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else trying to get ME to admit I was gay, back during the days when we weren't really open about it. And I don't blame Hermione for getting pissy about Draco trying to get her to do the same. It's just not something that's easy to deal with when you've grown up being told it's wrong or what have you. Max is seemingly easier with it. She certainly didn't seem upset with Draco, and was hinting very strongly that she and Hermione ARE together. Which I think is very likely. But I'm still a bit miffed with Draco on Hermione's behalf, that he was pushing for some sort of admission.

Though he is what he is, and he wouldn't be Draco if he wasn't. And I love him.

Of course it was Luna who just bypassed any sort of subtlety, as per usual, and spoke her mind on the question of Max and Hermione's relationship. I thought Ron would be mad, but he just did his best not to laugh at Luna's blithe candor, and kept right on eating.

Things did settle down eventually, though. All in all we had a very enjoyable visit. I miss my friends. I wish we could see them more often.

So anyway. Yeah, we left Cassie with Severus while we went out to dinner. And we only called to check twice. I think things went very smoothly there. Which is what I wanted, right? I didn't want Cassie to be upset. And yet. When they said things had gone smoothly. I don't know. I felt sortof weird about it.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-14T21:28:00

2006-05-15T02:31:11Z

I am supremely content.

Draco made an absolutely excellent meal. Seafood-stuffed fish, wild rice pilaf, and green beans almondine. My stomach is incredibly happy. Oh, and there were little cream puffs for dessert. They were lopsided but absolutely delicious. Which is the most important thing.

Cass and I stretched out on a blanket on the floor while Draco played guitar and sang for us. I love to listen to him sing. And I think Cass does too. She blinks up at him, calm and content. And focused, like she's listening to every word.

Cassie such a sweet, happy baby. She hardly cries at all. Mostly she lets Hellkitten do the talking when she needs something. Which I think is rather unusual. I'd really like to know how she does that.

She eats like she's starving, until she will suddenly fall asleep with the bottle still in her mouth. It's the cutest thing. Draco's putting her to bed right now, and then he and I are going to catch a few hours of sleep.

He hardly even complains about the stinky baby poo anymore. Though I can't get that little song out of my head.

Okay. Time to go be content with my Draco.

I just can't get over how happy I am. I never thought I could be this way.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-10T23:54:00

2006-05-11T04:52:08Z

Draco's sleeping, with the aid of a good hard shag and a dreamless draught. I'm looking after Cassie myself tonight. Never fear. I've got the hellkitten to help me in case I somehow sleep through Cassie's cries. HK won't let me get away with that. She'll use claws if she has to. Which she just might have to. I'm exhausted. Not just because of Cass but because I didn't sleep again after Draco's nightmare.

I had thought that our session with Elspeth gave us the tools we needed to get past that. His clinging fear. My need to try to fix him when he's hurt or afraid. I'm afraid we relapsed a bit.

Or maybe it's just that the dream was so strong, and so powerfully emotionally charged, that all he could do was react. I know I've felt that way before as well. And that's pretty hard to shake off.

Cassie is doing wonderfully well. She's had a bit of infant acne and a little diaper rash. Nothing more serious than that. She hardly ever gets a chance to cry, because Hellkitten is such a good alert system. She lets us know Cassie needs something before even Cass knows.

Severus has been incredibly helpful. I don't know how we could have managed this first week without his assistance.

And there goes my alarm system. Cue Cassie's cry any second now.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-05T14:29:00

2006-05-05T15:01:16Z

Cassie is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, aside from possibly Draco. I am so glad that things went well. All according to plan. And now we've got our girl. No problems whatsoever. Nothing worse than a bit of infant acne, but the healers say that'll clear up on its own.

She looks so serene when she's sleeping. Which is what she spends most of her time doing. She's hardly cried much at all. I mean she cried when they were cleaning her up after she was born, and she cries when she's hungry or in need of a diaper. But the rest of the time she sleeps, and she makes little soft sounds, and she blinks up at us. I was sortof afraid that she'd be cranky and uncomfortable. I mean she's used to being in the womb and hearing Jen's heartbeat and voice and such. And now she's with these two absolute strangers, with deeper voices and different smells and sounds. But she's taken it all in stride.

The light hurts her eyes still I think. It's very soft lighting in our room so that's not so bad. The camera flash bothers her so much we stopped trying to take a picture of her with her eyes open. I didn't like the way she flinched away from it.

I'm a little jumpy, I have to admit. Every little thing she does, I'm asking the healers if it's normal, is it all right, what does it mean? More nervous now she's here than I was before she was born. But at the same time I feel incredibly at peace with the entire situation. Life is changed, and it's GOOD.

Kate came by the hospital this morning. Brought breakfast for all and got to see the baby. She didn't come sit with us in the waiting room last night, though I had thought she was going to. Severus said she had some other things to take care of. Just as well. We were all tense enough that there might have been some uncomfortable conversations. Last night really wasn't the night for that.

I'm home at the moment. Not for long. Just making sure the cats have enough food and water and that they haven't had any wild parties while we were away for the night. Hellkitten is presently gnawing at my hair, biting it in sheer frustration. She keeps catching her claws on my scalp, but I'll forgive her that. She's a bit irritated that we left her all night, without so much as a by your leave. And she's felt the tension in the house I expect so she knows SOMETHING is up. She just doesn't know what. Poor confused hellkitten. Just wait until we bring the baby home. I expect the hellkitten will be horribly jealous.

Draco was keen to send Severus to look after the cats today but I said I'd do it. We're only half an hour's drive from the hospital. Seems silly to send Severus when we're so close. And Draco and Cass are both sleeping, worn out from the long eventful night. I'm used to not getting as much sleep so I'm pretty much okay.

Jack's not even sure I'm me yet. Guess I smell funny to him. He's sitting halfway up the stairs, peering cautiously at me through the banister. Ready to bolt for his hiding place under my desk if need be.

I'll give them ten more minutes or so. Then I'm going to head back so I can wake Draco up in time for Cassie's next feeding.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-04T23:23:00

2006-05-05T03:30:28Z

Parents: One, currently out and about seeking sustenance for the parents-in-waiting. Or flirting with the nurses. It's a toss-up really.

Blowjobs: Two. (Shh, don't tell Severus.)

Babies: None. Yet.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-03T22:48:00

2006-05-04T03:56:07Z

Well, he's sleeping. For now.

We had dinner at Rob & Lisa's tonight. Draco actually managed to keep his dinner down, so that's an improvement. And he was able to relax and enjoy himself a little bit I think. Even if he did check his phone every few minutes. Like he had a twitch or something.

He's a nervous daddy-to-be. I suppose it's only natural.

Oddly enough, I feel not at all nervous right now. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. But I'm not really nervous. I expect I'll feel differently once I've got Cass in my arms.

After dinner we came home and had a shag and a cuddle. And then I gave him a massage, which seems to have done some good. He fell asleep during, anyhow.

So the long and short of it is, they haven't called yet.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-02T21:37:00

2006-05-03T02:03:19Z

Draco's stressed, and I'm not entirely sure what to do to help him. And I think it doesn't help him that I'm not really stressed the way he is.

I mean, the call will come when it comes. I've got my worries. But there isn't anything to be done. Except wait.

So I guess we wait.

sean_harrison @ 2006-05-01T22:42:00

2006-05-02T03:25:45Z

You know what?

I love Draco. And Draco loves me.

And we are happy together.

We have worked hard to get to this point. Both of us. We have worked VERY HARD. We had a lot of ground to cover to get ourselves back to where we could stand shoulder to shoulder together. Against the world if we have to. Him and me. Me and him. The way we fought our war. The way we faced the world at sixteen. When everything between us was new and fresh and we didn't have to prove anything to anyone because we both KNEW how we felt about each other.

Other things got in the way over time. Fear mostly. Fear of a lot of things. We drifted apart. But the bond between us was never, ever severed. Not even when both of us felt maybe it would have been easier. That bond stretched as far as it could stretch, but it never broke. And it never will.

And now we are at that point where we can stand together and face the world. And nothing, no one else's doubts or arrogance or stubbornness, will ever come between us again.

It is very much a relief to know that I don't ever have to be afraid of losing him. I don't have to be anxious or upset by anything anyone else has said. I can completely enjoy my time with the one I love and be happy in that moment without other things getting in the way.

Things are not perfect between us, because we are neither one of us perfect. We bicker over things. We have our disagreements. Because we are two completely different people, with different perspectives and different ideas. But we aren't two people fighting against each other anymore, and we aren't struggling to fight each other's fears. We are two people functioning as a team, working together to move forward in life.

And our life together is a very good thing.

No one can take that away from us. No one can tarnish it or diminish it. No matter how anyone else might feel about it. Draco and I are together. We are going to stay together. We love each other, and we are truly happy.

And you can either respect and appreciate that, or you can't. It's as simple as that.

I would hope that as a family we can overcome differences and learn to respect each other. But right now, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying my time with Draco, and anticipating the imminent arrival of our daughter. Because this is a moment that will only come once in our lifetimes. And I want the moment to be a beautiful one.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-27T11:06:00

2006-04-27T15:20:52Z

I haven't said much lately. I guess it's because I'm afraid to jinx everything up. The minute I say something things change. I don't want that to happen right now.

Deep down I'm a little terrified by what happened to Angie and her family. Losing the baby like that. You can't do much to stop a whim of fate. I don't want that to happen to us. Please no. Not after everything we've been through. We've earned a bit of happiness I think. We've worked so hard for it.

I'm also absolutely amazed by Angie's extremely generous offer. She's a better person than I am. If something that awful happened to me I would have been so deep into my own misery that it never would have occurred to me to help someone else. I don't have any words to describe how awed I am that she took the time to think of us. I really don't.

Any minute now we could be getting the call about Cassie. I just hope she's healthy. I just hope she grows up happy. That she knows she's loved.

Okay. I'm going to stop now before I REALLY jinx things.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-24T22:42:00

2006-04-25T02:58:35Z

Nyah.

I'm
a Gryffindor!

and

GRYFFINDOR!
You scored 16% Slytherin, 20% Ravenclaw, 64% Gryffindor, and 40% Hufflepuff!

You might belong in Gryffindor,

Where dwell the brave at heart,

Their daring, nerve, and chivalry

Set Gryffindors apart.

Gryffindors are known for their courage, audacity, and devotion to what is good and honest.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 21% on Slytherin
You scored higher than 22% on Ravenclaw
You scored higher than 82% on Gryffindor
You scored higher than 79% on Hufflepuff

Link: The Sorting Hat Test written by leeannslytherin on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

also

Blaze
~ 59% Water ~ 51% Wind ~ 44% Earth ~ 70% Fire ~

I've got a ruby red desire

I've got to hear the red bird sing...

Let's see... your personality reminds me of the...

...fiery Ruby, the red variety of corundum, or its little sister, the Garnet that inspires love, passion and sensuality. Your colour is the luscious red or glaring pink.

Interpretation:

Out of the seven chakras, the Ground Chakra, which is associated with the element of fire and represents our basic desires and driving force, seems to be predominant in you. Though you will certainly be fun to be around, this may result in a tendency to make decisions impulsively or feel restless and agitated.

You can balance it by wearing an Aquamarine or a Turquoise; they both inspire balance, peace and serenity.

A Tarot references concerning your predominant element:

If you are a young lass or lad and still unmarried your card is the Page of Wands. Young women, especially married ones, identify with the Queen of Wands, also known as the Queen of Clubs. If you are a young, unmarried man, you are the Knight of Wands, and married or 'mature' males are identified with the King of Wands, commonly known as the King of Clubs. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your strong-willed man you've been looking for.

These are the results you will get if you score highly on...

None of the four elements: Balance Wind: Gust Fire: Blaze Water: River Earth: Valley Wind & Fire: Thunder Wind & Water: Clouds Wind & Earth: Canyon Fire & Earth: Lava Fire & Water: Tornado Water & Earth: Trees Wind, Fire & Earth: Storm Wind, Fire & Water: Stars Wind, Water & Earth: Forest Fire, Water & Earth: Avalanche All four elements: Harmony

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 58% on water
You scored higher than 1% on wind
You scored higher than 11% on earth
You scored higher than 62% on fire

Link: The Elemental Balance Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-23T18:02:00

2006-04-23T22:14:05Z

Well, we're back.

We had a good trip. Just a nice little weekend jaunt. Our last hurrah before we become honest-to-goodness parents. It rained a bit but that was all right. Kindof nice actually.

I sortof expected a fight at the end because everything was so perfect while we were there. We almost fell into one in fact. But then not quite. Caught ourselves at it, and put a stop to it. So that's good. We're getting better all the time.

It's hard getting back but at the same time it's good to be home. Especially since I was halfway waiting for a call all weekend. About Cassie I mean. It would have been just our luck to have her be born while we were out of town.

I rather expect Draco's going to be spending some long days with the band the next little while. Trying to get it all done before Cass arrives. Kindof leaves me at loose ends really. I haven't got anything to focus on outside of Cass. And she's not here yet. So mostly I guess I'll be reading my copy of "What To Expect In The First Year" and playing keep-away with the Hellkitten. As in, keeping her away from my feet.

Nice of Severus to dump all our laundry on the sofa for Hellkitten to spread about at her leisure. Not that it made any sense for him to do so. Considering they had our whole bloody BED to cuddle on if they wanted something that smelled like us. Honestly.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-16T06:45:00

2006-04-16T11:02:40Z

Riddle me this.

If your significant other quite clearly promised to spend time together with you over the weekend because you and he wouldn't have much more time to yourselves without a baby present. And then spent an entire Saturday morning going out of his way to be in a place where you weren't. Except when it came time to have a shag of course. And then immediately went back to spending his time in a place where you were not. And afterward took his motorbike out around six o'clock Saturday evening, saying he'd be gone for "a little while". And did not return until close to midnight. And did not answer his phone in all that time, or return the two messages you left on his voice mail.

Would you be upset?

I would.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-12T23:51:00

2006-04-13T04:40:19Z

Today while Draco was doing his thing with the band, I went to help James and Chris start work on a new deck. Or rather, I helped James. Chris doesn't generally participate in those sorts of activities. He prefers to sit on the sidelines and offer moral support. As he calls it. Sounded a bit like catcalling to me.

Came home to a hot bath and a massage, thanks to Draco. Which was incredible. I feel so relaxed right now. And that was followed up by a delicious dinner, and dessert in bed while we snuggled and talked until Draco fell asleep.

I should be sleeping as well. However. Here I am.

I'm thinking I should cut back on caffeine. I mean I do drink an awful lot of tea. And I try to do decaf in the evenings. But it doesn't seem to be enough. Perhaps if I just cut out the caffeine altogether. It's not like I need it.

So anyhow. Draco thinks I need to be more understanding of the Hellkitten, and not dislike her quite so intensely. I mean I don't actually dislike her. She IS cute. But she's an evil sort of cute. The kind of cute that will eventually grow up to be annoyingly evil.

Though she IS Draco's kitten. And he was an evil sort of cute way back when. But look how well he turned out. Sweet and loving and caring and kind and gorgeous. Perhaps there's hope for the Hellkitten after all. I'll try not to scowl at her quite so frequently. If she will try to refrain from climbing my legs or leaping straight onto my back. And if she would stop attacking my feet when I'm on the computer. As she's doing at this very moment.

I'm so tired. How is it that I fell asleep in the bath, but now that it's time to sleep I can't seem to manage it?

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-07T23:53:00

2006-04-08T04:22:00Z

GUESS WHAT?!?!

I feel pretty good. Well I guess you all could tell from the comment spam. But I do.

Elspeth is really nice. And oddly enough she reminds me of Dumbledore. In a good way. Something about the use of the phrase 'dear boy' combined with the twinkle in her eye. And she's so sensible. The whole session reminded me of the talks I used to have with Dumbledore sometimes, before the war actually broke out and Sirius died and everything went to hell in a handcart.

Anyhow. Draco did most of the talking really. Is anyone surprised? Me neither.

But the more we went over things, the more I realized that it's not the idea of touring that bothers me at all. It's the idea that I HAVE to be on tour with Draco. To keep him from cutting, or harming himself in any other ways. To keep him from being lonely without me. Etc. But. She says if we tell ourselves the TRUTH often enough. We're good people. We're worthwhile. We're trying, and nobody could ask more of us than that. If we tell ourselves these things often enough she says we'll be able to retrain ourselves to think that way. Instead of believing the lies we were told growing up.

It sounds very simple and yet it's so hard. But we're going to do it. And I think it's going to make a difference in our outlook. I feel so much lighter already. Just. The pressure's off, a little.

Also. I just want to point out that 1) I am EXTREMELY well fed, 2) you should all be insanely jealous of me, 3) Draco is incredibly sexy, and 4) I could be in bed with him right now instead of sitting here posting this.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-06T14:57:00

2006-04-06T19:02:43Z

I've made an appointment with Elspeth Vandspogelse. Please don't ask me how to pronounce that name. I have no idea. I just know she's one of the couples counselors Dr. Daniels recommended, and she's the first one on the list who could fit us in. We're to see her tomorrow afternoon in fact. Hopefully this will help.

In the meantime everything is in limbo. I keep working at the situation in my mind, trying to find a way to solve it. But I can't come up with anything.

At least we're not actively fighting at the moment. That's an improvement at least.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-04T00:38:00

2006-04-04T04:43:59Z

I'm done talking. Every word that comes out of my mouth gets twisted up and turned into a weapon against me. Best way to avoid that is to not provide ammunition.

I never wanted to look at Draco and see Lucius. But today I do.

And if that hurts him, that's too fucking bad. It is what it is.

sean_harrison @ 2006-04-03T10:45:00

2006-04-03T15:04:54Z

"Each moment is precious, every second: the ones I spend now with my Harry, and the ones to come, to be spent with my Harry and my Cass. I can only choose to spend those precious seconds as wisely, as carefully, and with as much love as possible."

And yet.

Guess what comes next kids! That's right. A nice long discussion that goes absolutely nowhere. Plus five holes in my drywall and a hand so swollen I can barely type with it.

And this is what I hear when he talks to me.

"You don't love me enough. You're not committed. You should drop everything to be what I need when I need it. Don't you want to be with me all the time? Then you don't love me as much as I love you. Tell me what you feel. Don't give me any bullshit. Tell me what you REALLY feel so that I can use that as a weapon against you. Because what you feel ISN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH and you need to be punished until you learn better."

Oh, and let's not forget:

"Things are bad with the band but I haven't bothered to tell you about it. And the only reason I'm telling you now is because I need you to decide BY TUESDAY what you want me to do. So that I can then pass that decision on to them. And then regret it for the rest of my life, and blame you for everything no matter how it works out. So make up your mind immediately, if you please. Do you want to be my loyal puppet-groupie, or do you want me to give up my music completely and forever?"

I can't do this anymore. I can't be ecstatically happy one moment and then drop right down into thoroughly miserable the next. I'd rather not be happy at all than live like this.

sean_harrison @ 2006-03-29T18:19:00

2006-03-29T23:23:28Z

For my birthday, I want an ant farm like Wil Wheaton's.

sean_harrison @ 2006-03-29T16:31:00

2006-03-29T21:35:01Z

stupid fucking headache + stupid fucking bitch-cat = bad day for Harry.

That is all.

sean_harrison @ 2006-03-28T23:34:00

2006-03-29T05:12:21Z

Good news. Hecate is still a cat. We can all sleep better for that. Though how Draco can sleep with tiny Hecate so blatantly hogging the pillow is beyond me. But then she's not my cat. I wouldn't want those claws near my face, that's for sure.

There was some question about whether she was really a cat at all. Considering we locked the door with her on the other side of it. Then proceeded to, uh, do what we do in the bedroom. Only to find her there on the bed with us.

But cats can't apparate.

I thought she might be an animagus maybe. But we did the counterspell and nothing happened. So that's all right then. But she's still a strange cat.

In other news. I had my therapy yesterday. I accidentally typed that as "I hate my therapy" and that's pretty much the truth. But I'm trying.

Yesterday we talked about the difference between perception and reality. Being aware of how I perceive things, and how my perceptions might be skewed by my own experiences. I have HOMEWORK. Bloody hell.

I haven't had a whole hell of a lot to say lately. Things have been good. Apart from an occasional backslide into a fight that is. But overall. They are good. And I'm spending less time online whining, and more time being with Draco. Doing things together. Shopping, gardening, what have you. Or else when he's at rehearsal I've been looking up parenting websites, making sure we've got everything we need. Just a little over a month now until our girl gets here.

I'm nowhere near ready. I know that much.

sean_harrison @ 2006-03-25T00:20:00

2006-03-25T05:22:44Z

Note to self: Need to see if I can get this in bulk.